3rd week of March: I am so tired

I finally survived the third week of march. This month has been getting too long, I swear this is probably the worst and longest month in a year. Perhaps because I am waiting something? Well, this July, I am going to move to my own apartment (co-share with my sister). I am fed up living with my parents. Although it’s perfectly fine in Asia to live with your parents until they pass away, I just feel it inhibits my personal growth. My mother treats me like a 8-years old kid (she wants a grandchild). My father keeps 4 dogs that making the house unnecessarily louder than it already is. My sister speaks loudly whenever she meets my mom, and they are really really overstimulating. Oh I haven’t mentioned the regular noise generated by the jetpump.

Honestly, the past 2 years, since my return from New Zealand has been one of the dullest chapter in my life. Fortunately my office life is actually a consolation. I have a very good coworkers and a very nice manager. I try to keep our relations are strictly professional, but looks like I need to break my principles one or two since I am going to hang around with them on the next few days. I actually don’t want to hang around with them after office hour, but I think it’s quite necessary just to ensure I am not “outsider” in the team. I notice that my manager actually wants to hang around with us too because he’s an expat, and he seems liking us, his minions too much. Proof? He bought three pack of expensive imported snacks for a total of $13 (two imported cheese doritos and one lorentz) just to spice up our my presentation (and another co-worker from our team) this afternoon. I know he’s richer than I am, and probably makes money than all of us combined, but to spend an expense of something for an hour-event was a bit overkill, don’t you think?

It’s almost 12, and saturday. Tomorrow I am visiting a dutch-indonesian friend from Boston. It has been a while since I met her. I will donate my dutch-indonesian literature books to her.

This month is my worst month ever

Sometime I want to cry because I am stupid. Again and again, I keep making stupid mistakes that cost me time (and money).

For example, on 3rd march I misread the departure time of my flight and I arrived at Soekarno Hatta late, and I missed my flight. I bought another ticket for $100, when I arrived in Singapore, I just realized I never asked my cousin’s apartment, and destination point to meet my friends. Only after I bought sim card at NEX, I finally could figure out where I was and where I should go. But I stupidly booked a taxi that costed me another $4.5 when the apartment was very close by. I arrived at my cousin’s apartment around 12, after a series of failures. My 31st birthday was the WORST day in my life, period. I am glad I didn’t receive any birthday greetings other than my aunt and uncle in netherlands from facebook. Everyone forgets your birthday as soon as you don’t mention it. Lesson learned? I am not IMPORTANT.

now, today I did another mistake. I went to a nearby hospital and checked my eyes so I could get prescriptions. Ideally, my medical insurance will cover it. But what happened? The insurance company rejected my claim, the customer service said it is not covered. I paid the expense myself ($21.5) despite the fact that my medical insurance pamphlet states that I am eligible for $9 coverage for checking eyes, once a year. How come I didn’t think that I should clarify this stuffs with the HRD first?

As I grow older, and I keep repeating mistakes that are actually preventable, I am starting to think why I did all those stupid mistakes? I always try to avoid making blunders or unnecessary mistakes like this that can make your life more miserable than it already is.

I always think to myself, I am learning. I will not repeat this mistake again.

But it happens anyway. So do I actually have learned something? or am I deluding myself that I am actually learning? Sometime I am not sure whether I am an arrogant person or a humble knowledge seeker.

How do you lose a friend from facebook?

So I am one of those introverts who added people on their facebook very very carefully. I curated my friends regularly to ensure I have quality friends only.

Apparently, today is one of those days when I realized I misjudged one of my “friend”. Remember my “1st boyfriend” that I met from grindr, but we ended up as nothing and eventually became a virtual friend? yeah today he just made an irreversible damage to our friendship.

So basically I posted something on my wall about Indonesians, and then he was insulted, stating I lived in bubble and basically I badmouthed my country. The comment war ended up into 46 comments, and eventually he reported the content, and I got blocked.

if that was the only thing happened, I would be fine.

but that not what happened. that guy posted my content on his timeline, using screenshot and censored the names. I told him, stop! you have no rights to repost what I showed to my friends.

And then he answered, no, I will not allow you to act as you wish, stereotyping our fellowmen and badmouthed our country to your foreign friends.

*long lecture about nationalism from ignorant guy who never read the history of Chinese Indonesians in Indonesia*

he said, he wanted to show this conversation to his friends, as a way to educate his radical muslim friends. But the reality shows otherwise. I can see that he’s judging me on his facebook wall. I cannot comment because facebook banned me from commenting.

I unfriended this guy immediately.

truth is, I am hurt. Very hurt. I feel like being betrayed. There is a reason I curate my facebook friends. I consider people that I met from real life eligible to read my posts. Commenting is okay, but this? reposting someone else contents and let his friends publicly judge you?

That guy was trying to validate himself. The next bullshit, “I did this because I care of you! I want you to open your mind!”

But, my opinion is my opinion. Why the hell you even wanted to change my mind? I was being politically incorrect, do I need to be politically correct just to please the muslims?

I have suffered some broken hearts due to failure of romantic relations. But that was a long time ago. Being betrayed by someone you thought you could trust is much sharper than everything I have ever felt before.

I keep blaming myself, why I misjudged this guy? Why I even bothered to keep him on my facebook friend list? Why didn’t I see that he was looking for a validation through a public judgment?

 

regret regret regret.

 

I guess she doesn’t like me

So I just came back from Singapore. My 31st birthday was basically the worst day in my life ever, because I was late to arrive at the airport and I had to buy a new ticket. It costed me $100.

However, the consequences were bitter. I arrived quite late in Singapore, and all my plans were thrown out of the window. I don’t want to remember that again, ever.

On saturday, I met my crush. We met around 12 and spent time together for about 5 hours, getting lunch at a hainan rice restaurant, we went to art and science museum, and then ate ice cream after. We had a dinner at Song Fa Ba Kut Teh with her friends.

After that, well, nothing progressed. She still replied my text messages VERY late. After I returned to Jakarta, I asked her, could I call you sometime? She refused, she said she was more comfortable with texting. Understandable, but that’s a blatant sign that she’s not interested on me at all. Oh she has not texted me at all since we met. Three strikes.

However, I already knew that something like this would happen. From the beginning, I could feel that we are lacking of chemistry, we have no common ground to discuss together. She’s busy with her works, she doesn’t read, watch or anything that I know. We are really lacking conversational topic.

My friends said, it’s too soon to make a conclusion. But really, she’s an asian. She probably felt she needed to return the courtesy that I gave during her short trip in Jakarta. My sister encouraged her to know me further, and she knew my mom was looking for a son-in-law, she probably just felt “oh okay, let me see what’s in the menu”. And probably I am not the one she’s looking for.

Am I sad? Well I guess I am. I am probably sad because I don’t know how to even begin this “relationship”. I did everything in the book, communicating, expressing “care”, and hoping to see the smallest signs of mutual interest. The result? Nada. Ever since we got our whatsapp number, I tried to build conversation with her, but she’s never interested to talk to me. Asking to call? Rejected. Well that’s the sign I need to retreat.

My mood has been sour in the past few days, I try not to be sad because I haven’t invested emotion that much to this girl. A small part in me was hoping, I could stop all this nonsensical dating games to find your permanent partner, but in the end, it failed again.

On the bright side?

I want to stop dating to find a romantic partner. I want to focus progress and improve my life, especially my health. If I looked back my life, I have never been interested to find a partner. There was a slight interest to find a male partner, but given the scarcity of interesting bisexual guys in Jakarta, I don’t see it’s happening. So back to my old life, but improved.

Good bye 30, hello 31!

Less than one hour (in Indonesian time zone), I will be 31 years old. Sometime it’s amazing to witness how time flies really fast as you grow up. the past 1 year passed very fast after I joined the company that I am currently working at. My colleagues even told me, during my 1st 5 months, as if I had worked there for years (and that feeling is almost mutual).

Some people are afraid getting old, but I am not, perhaps because as I grow older, my career’s scope and my asset also increase? I currently pay a mortgage that eats half of my salary, and I practically only use 25% of my monthly wage for personal spending. I just hope my salary increases this year!

The good part: I will visit Singapore (for the first time ever leaving Changi!) tomorrow to visit that “I hope you will be my girlfriend” girl. Yesterday I asked her if I could meet her on friday night to have a dinner together, however she was busy, and said let’s just meet on saturday and sunday. But eh, she changed her mind and wanted to accompany me for tomorrow’s night.

Prior, I asked my best friend who is currently working in Singapore to have a dinner with me tomorrow because even my cousin is busy due to his work on tomorrow’s night *cries*.

Cannot hide the fact I am so genuinely happy this girl is actually sacrificing her time for me 😀

 

Everyone is broken, but it’s okay to be flawed

So today I was reflecting my life, all of sudden. Well the problem is, I heard someone’s problem and it bounced back to me and made me thinking – do I behave like them? do I behave like a broken person?

If there is one thing I hate most, it is to appear weak and insecure.

Ok, I admit I am financially insecure, but I build this narrative on my mind that I don’t need be obsessed with money as long as I can control my impulses and manage my finance adequately.

Now weakness. Ah, that made me nostalgic about my youth. There was time when I was a boy, very extroverted (really?) and tried to find a place among society. Now I think my teenage days, from 12-15 years old was the most horrible period in my life and shaped my perspective, and my self perception for 12 years.

When I was a teen, everyone called me ‘sissy’, ‘effeminate’, ‘pretty boy’ due to mix of my nerdiness and fairly white skin. I am not sure when the names-calling began. Was it because of my nerdiness? or simply I was just ‘white’? I don’t remember, but I survived all those bullying however, all those names-calling really crushed my confidence as a man.

I perceived myself as “unattractive” to the opposite sex, thus I skipped dating for most of my life, until 2 years ago.

Does body image actually affect how you perceive yourself? I think it was 2013 when I started to look like an adult man.

Here’s my picture when I went to new zealand in 2013:

 

 

IMG-20130129-WA0000.jpg

but then movember arrived and I suddenly thought, hey maybe I should grew some beard, and then BAM, suddenly I had this look

DSC01266.jpg

Everyone suddenly said I was hot with the new beard and look incredibly masculine. I decided to keep a scruff or beard as part of my face.

However, the experience of getting the masculine features when you perceived yourself being ‘feminine’ and ‘sissy’ all your life (apparently I have always been a nerd, but my friends couldn’t distinguish those two at that time), I suddenly feel I have a leverage when dating women.

However it took me two years before I started to date girls and eventually explored my bisexuality. And it’s very interesting, I am actually quite desirable among the homosexual/bisexual men! I feel like getting all privileges at one fell swoop.

My external appearance and all the compliments from my dates, family members, and friends twist my self perception and confidence very fast. From a shy guy who was insecure for rejection, I became an arrogant aloof who thought “I can date everyone if I want”.

Is it healthy or? or unhealthy? I don’t know. Even with all the newly found confidence, it didn’t stop me to behave erratically. If you read my older posts, you could read how my personality changed – from being the optimist to a realist in dating scene.

This was mostly reflected at my homosexual dating behavior. At first I chased certain people to fulfill my inner desire and fantasies but after a lot of failures, questionings and boring sex – I discovered myself – it was not my adult who was acting, but my inner, insecure 15 years old who tried to validate himself and seeking quick gratification.

Yes, there is a 15 years old boy trapped inside me, and he has been living in co-existence with my “real” age. My self perception from this year has always been shaped by this 15 years old boy.

Now please let me tell you about this boy.

He refused to grow up, but thankfully all this years, he is not stupid and quite rationale one. He has been eating a lot of books, and training his critical thinking so finally  he decided to grow up.

At least he sees himself as a responsible adult man who only makes the right choice…

but then there is one thing he couldn’t let go. The desire to die and meeting her most beloved grandmother. He only experienced a motherly love from a person – his grandmother who was suddenly taken away in 2005, and every year, he must be reminded to be sad a week before his birthday. For him, life is actually a journey to a grave where by the end of the road he finally can meet his grandmother again.

But he’s not suicidal – he’s just being indifferent to life itself. While purpose of a person is to enjoy life and live to the fullest. His purpose of life is to maximize his talents in everything, and enjoying a journey to death. He thinks that if he suddenly passed away -just like what happened to his grandmother- he would be okay. At least he had a good life, and he has always embraced death since 2005.

At the same time, the adult version of himself wants to focus on progress, and focusing on the right thing. He is telling people he met, people who struggle on life, focus on progress, not the negative side – because he’s doing it too, and hoping that people too, can learn something by his existence.

But why he helped people? Why even bother?

It linked to his embrace to death – he wants to be remembered as a good person when he died. Is it hypocritical? Does one still have a right to help somebody else when he himself always see the end of the road?

Of course there is no answer for that question.

But then I told the man inside me, it’s okay to be flawed. Everyone is broken to certain degree. As long as we don’t hurt ourselves or others, that would be okay.

 

Mom: I want this girl to be my daughter-in-law!

Yes you read it right. It’s like a scene from a comedy romantic drama.

So here’s the story: My sister studied for her doctoral degree in Australia 7 years ago, there, she befriended with a Japanese girl who was studying educational psychology. Due to the similarity of their personality they became some sort of BFF really quickly, to the point that my sister started to wish this girl SHOULD become her sister in law.

Later on, my mother visited my sister in Australia, and then she met this girl. FOR SOME REASON, my mom liked her too, and this conversation happened:

mom: This girl is so nice, I think she will suit well with him (whispering in bahasa indonesia)

sis: mom, don’t be too direct, slowly, slowly

*1 minute later*

mom: this is my son, do you like…? (showing my picture on her Blackberry messanger)

 

Someone, please shoot me.

ahem.

Anyway, I am actually interested with that girl too, to be fair, so I don’t really mind my mom and sister become the matchmakers, but I think they are overdoing it. We befriended on facebook and limited our contacts through facebook posts only, and rarely chat.

Now, the story develops. She just came here for three days vacation in Jakarta. The problem? We have a chinese new year in Indonesia, and it means… she must attend the chinese new year parties which are usually reserved for the closest family members, and traditionally, you only bring a potential wife to this kind of event.

So today, I had to deals with my mom’s antics, because this japanese girl cannot speak bahasa indonesia, she didn’t hear a word when my mom randomly speaking “I am bringing my gonna-be-daughter-in-law” to everyone in the room, or a random guest asked me “is she your wife?” (um, I wish).

It’s an unusual date because my sister was with us almost all the time, so I couldn’t really ask her my typical date questions, but I treated him like gentleman 101. Everyone, including me, perceived her she was comfortable with me. Although I tried to hide my excitement by being cool.

Since she lives in Singapore, I am not really sure where this is going. I am one of those guys who don’t believe in LDR, but since she’s introduced by my sister, and not your typical date, maybe this is one chance that I need to fight? singapore-jakarta flight is very near anyway, and if she’s okay with meeting just few days in a month, I would take the chance.

Also since I want to focus on her, the guy that I dated last time? He could have been the right person, but unfortunately we met in the wrong time.