2017 has been one of the worst year of my life. In march, I lost $100 because pursuing this japanese girl who has been living in Singapore. But she didn’t return my feeling so I gave up. She also told me that at some point she wants return to Melbourne, that’s when I exactly knew she was not really interested on me because she probably wanted to settle down in Australia, not Singapore.
I have almost given up dating guys, but occassionally I tried to meet guys just to establish a human relation. Few months ago, I met this swiss man. He is a bit old, maybe around 44-49 (people lied about their age all the time) but since I actually like older men, so it was all good. We had an enjoyable one night stand but to my irritation, he, just like any other guys that I met keep saying “let’s keep in touch after this night” or “we will meet again”. Being a brutally honest person, I find those kind of white lies do more harms than good because it implies there is an opportunity that we will meet again. I told him, hey even if we would never met again, I would not forget about you. But he insisted that we would meet again someday. I don’t understand why people cling to this kind of false hope. Based on my experience, I almost never meet a stranger from far – foreign land twice unless they are suddenly relocated to nearby country / city.
Until the last few months, I kept clinging this false hope, thinking maybe someday I will meet all those random strangers again and I will have a happy ending. But nope, after I watched Dexter Season 2, I felt like my eyes were opened: how could I have been so foolish?
In case you haven’t watched Dexter, it’s a popular TV series about serial murder / anti hero Dexter Morgan who works as a blood analyst at Miami police department. Dexter has a little sister, Deborah Morgan whose love story become one of the subplots in the series. In the season 2, she dated her superior who was twice years her age – Frank Lundy.
At first I was like. UGH. so repulsing.
But as the time goes on, I over-identified myself with Debra: someone who had a dysfunctional relations with a father, and somehow attracted to a person twice their age. When I was 29, I slept with 57 years old guy as my first sexual experience, also 49, and then 40, and when I was 30, I slept with a 52 years old man, and then when I was 31, someone around 44-49.
They were all enjoyable experience, although every time I did those, I contemplated myself – do I really enjoy this? Do I really want this? Is there a point of doing this? and then to extreme cases, I imagine myself if I marry someone who is twice my age, what are the consequences?
However, I see myself as Debra right on the last episode of second season. As Frank Lundy must leave Miami, Debra was compulsively wanted to leave Miami with him because she wants to be with him (Lundy didn’t want that to happen it seems). However, Debra called off the flight as she must do her job as a police. And there, she decided to keep her responsibilities instead of pursuing Lundy.
Many times I imagine myself, to escape from this life, and wondering, can I ditch my old life and go with this foreign stranger back to his country and restart my old life there? Unfortunately, life is not a Hollywood movie. It will be extremely dangerous if someone does this based on short-term compulsion desires alone. When we want to restart our life in somewhere else, we need a sponsor, clearly your foreign stranger will not want to sponsor you because they are just looking for one-night stand. And don’t forget you need to find jobs to support yourself, you sure you have an enough qualification to secure jobs?
All of that logic check helped me to block any emotional attachment to every foreign strangers I met. Yes, falling in love with a foreign stranger is dangerous. I will not recommend anyone to do this unless you have a privilege to travel and restart your life easily. If you can do it, do it. If you can’t, don’t! She/he may not be the right person for you, but the kind stranger that gave you a beautiful story to be remembered for the rest of your life.