Goodbye 2017, the worst year ever in my memory!

Oh boy, finally it’s here. Finally it’s 31st December 2017! I cannot tell you how excited I am right now. I just want this year ends. I honestly think that 2017 is probably the worst year ever in my recent memory. I haven’t remembered so many years where I associate as a negative. Even when my grandmother passed away in 2005 or when I was unemployed for 7 months in 2015, I still had a positive memory of 2005 and 2015. But 2017 is just completely awful. Here are some of the most awful memories I had in 2017:

Basuki Tjahaja Purnama was jailed.  

Basuki Tjahaja Purnama who is also known for Ahok by the public was jailed because he said it was okay for muslims to elect non muslims in election. His political enemies jumped on the hate speech and he lost the Jakarta 2017 election and was found guilty for religious blasphemy.

Ahok is the second chinese-christian governor and one of the few ethnic and religious minority who were able to reach one of the most important office in Indonesia. He is known for being unapologetic, transparent, and strong anti corruption stance. However he is also loud-mouthed and simply unapologetic. All of his supporters knew he would get a trouble someday because of his attitude, and we were right.

This event hurt every religious and ethnic minority in Indonesia because Indonesian society and the muslim people are are increasingly getting intolerant to the minority group. They like to think they are tolerant.

I literally cried in front of my pc when I read this news.

 

My wallet was stolen and the thief used my credit card without a pin!

This was the single event that occupy my mind in the past 6 months. My wallet was stolen when I had a date on 3rd july 2017, and my supposedly secure pin-enabled credit card could be used without a pin. I protested to the bank issuer, HSBC but they said, the regulation doesn’t comply any transaction with a pin. PIN is just an option, not a mandatory. WHAT THE FUCK HSBC!!??  My case is still unresolved. I am still disputing this to the regulator.

I got ghosted… again!

So I met this south african dutch douchebag on Tinder. He ghosted me for a while, and then he appeared again. I thought oh well, maybe he had a signal problem, so I gave him another chance to meet up. It supposed to be a casual meet up. But he hung out on me during the day. I was disappointed to myself because on that day, my co-worker invited me to come to her birthday. If I think about it now, I should have just ditched him and go to my co worker’s birthday party.

I sung this song for two weeks:

Later on I found out this guy had a motorbike accident and got 10 stitches. Thank you karma!

 

That aside, I have learned some things in 2017:

 

You cannot change your environment, your past but you can change your perception

My sis recommended me to visit a psychologist. I have been having 5 sandplay therapies in the past few months. The pyschologist said to me, I need to revisit myself so I can reconcile with my past and become a better person. I have been having a problem with intimacy with both guys and girls. Since there is a girl that really likes me and I actually like her too, I am not sure how to approach her because she came from a very functional family, I don’t want to share my problems with her. When I meet a person or any date or any potential romantic partner, the first question would be: will this person leaves me too? That’s why I prefer to keep everything platonic. I stopped hooking ups completely after my last hookup with a Swiss man in May. I found that hookup made me worse afterward.

Somehow, the therapy is starting to work and although it’s hard, I am starting to feel secure with her. However the prospect of marriage still makes me scary. She said she’s okay with a polyamorous relationship, but can it really work? As I watch more and more heterosexual romantic stories from korean drama, I feel confused whether I still need to date guys to be a bisexual. I feel like I can ditch homosexual dating world once for all but it will lead me to a non-stop self contradiction.

Recently I also met a guy and we clicked very well. Although we are still in friendly terms, I really hope we can work of something since my girlfriend in Singapore anyway.

Cryptocurrency makes stock like a ripple

Now this is probably one of the most interesting game changer for my financial target. After my wallet was stolen, I got angry to myself. I screamed. Unfair! unfair! Why must I lose money!? It’s not my fault!?

Well yes it’s unfair, but I found out people will always lose money at some point of their life because misfortunes or just being unlucky.

It took me a while to accept this reality. After I heard about cryptocurrencies, I jumped in and put 90% of my assets there. I thought to myself: what’s there to lose? I have lost money anyway!?

fast forward 6 months later, I actually exceeded my investment target. Okay, the volatility of crypto market is crazy, like super crazy. sometime you can win big or lose big. But it’s thrilling. it makes stock market volatility like a child’s play. My next milestone is to double my cash by the end of the next year. I hope I can be a winner!

 

I think that’s all I can write in 2017. Happy new year 2018!

 

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Sandplay therapy #4

Today I went for another session of my weekly sandplay therapy. To be honest, whenever I entered the room and put the symbols, there are nothing I do other than putting the symbols of what I think inside vs what I think outside. I was particularly exhausted this week because I just did United Nations YPP Exam (Polnet) for about 4 hours, and the psychologist told me that I looked pale. No surprise there actually!

Today I put symbols of money, what I like to do in my internal world (with a laughing buddha). And outside, again, I put mother and father figure (my parents) with a skull behind them.

To be honest at this stage, nothing was exceptional until the psychologist asked me about my dysfunctional family problem. I told her that my father is there but I cannot feel anything to him because my mom called him useless all the time. Money has always been the root of my family problem. My father was actually doing ok, it’s just that he wasn’t as ambitious as my mom as a breadwinner because my mom has a high standard of lifestyle while my father has not really added his wardrobe collection in the past 10-20 years.

I have told her that my grandmother was my mother figure. And who was my father figure? I have always thought -none. I don’t have any.  At least I did, until today.

As I recalled my childhood memory, I told the psychologist how I was left behind in Makassar for few years until I was 3 years old. So I didn’t live with my nuclear family until my mother came and picked me again until 3.

During this period I lived in my paternal grandfather’s house, and I lived with my first cousins as well. I didn’t realize how close we were attached with as I called their mom and dad as “mom” and “dad” as well. I never called them by honorifics, but just “mom” and “dad” (+nick name).

To be honest, I don’t really remember about my uncle, except that he gave me a very odd nostalgic and familiar feeling. When I stay at my cousin’s home, I feel as I should have always been there and growing up with them instead with my current biological family. I just don’t have any emotional feeling with my current parents because they have always been absent in my life, and our relationship is dysfunctional to mediocre at best.

My uncle passed away in 2009. He was 51 years old back then. He had a leukemia, he was very thin and blind. I met him last time in 2005 and I wished that I could have taken a photo with him one last time, but his condition was so frail, and I don’t think I want to remember him as the frail, sick old man after he passed away. Most of my memories remember him when he was healthy.

I didn’t really give a thought when he passed away in 2009. I was in denial. Just like when my grandmother passed away, I didn’t cry until I saw her grave. Because I didn’t meet him often, I had a cognitive dissonance, and couldn’t accept the reality that he was no longer with me.

As long as it’s not confirmed, I will think he’s still alive and maybe we will meet again.

In 2015, I visited Makassar, my hometown and for the first time, I visited his grave, and that’s when reality slapped me. I cried uncontrollably. Thinking how sad it was that I would never meet him again. I didn’t really know why I was sad, because look, I didn’t grow up with him. He gave me a nostalgic feeling and comfort, but that’s it.

Back to the sandplay therapy room. When I told my psychologist about this, I cried again all of sudden. I was like, what the hell? Why I was crying? Was he that important to me?

My psychologist nodded, and she told me, my uncle was that influential in shaping my father’s figure. Since my biological father has failed his fatherhood function, it seems I grew attached to my childhood memory, being taken care by my cousin’s family, and had my uncle as the father figure.

The psychologist asked me again. What kind of man you want to be? And then, I told her my uncle’s characteristics, basically the anti-thesis of my biological father. A man must not be emotional (cool headed), responsible of what he’s doing, and not blaming the others for his misdeed. And when he has a family, he must do his function as a husband and as a father.

To a certain degree I want to absorb all these ideals, but at the same time I am wondering if I could really do that, since after all, he’s a heterosexual man. But I told to myself, even if I ended up in a marriage with a woman, perhaps I could become “a heterosexual man” again, and embrace all of those values?

 

Sandplay theraphy #3

yesterday I had my third sandplay therapy. To cut the story short, I told the psychologist about my last night dream: so I was at my childhood home in Makassar, and there were heads on the toilets. As I called my dad for a help, the scene changed and suddenly a panda appeared. A chinese caretaker took the panda not too long afterwards. The psychologist said, the panda symbolized my attempt to integrate my psyche. she also said that I am currently having a “regression” that I am currently going back to 15 years old.

At that moment I felt I had a slap. She could read me like a book. Yes, embarrassingly, I have always had a perception that my inner self is stuck at 15 years-old. I tried to bury it down by writing my protagonist as 28-years something. But damn, how could she know my inner self is still stuck being 15 years old?

She said I need to revisit all the problems that I have had during this age so I can mature myself and go forward.

 

She said “let’s have a video call”

at 11 PM

she: hey, do you know this anime called your name

me: yeah I know, but I am watching Konosuba at the moment, I will look at it later

she: hey c’mon let’s stream it together

me: *sigh not this silly thing again*

me: okay okay, let’s find some schedule

she: well actually I just want to have a video call

me: *inner blush* I want to sleep

she: niteeee

 

Did Biphobia Kill Whitney Houston?

If you are a bisexual and haven’t watched Can I be Me (2017) I suggest you to watch it.

This weekend, I was supposed to study for my upcoming UN YPP POLNET exam, but I am so demotivated given the enormous readings that I need to read.

I didn’t want to play video games either because I just played Deus Ex: Mankind Divided, Fire Emblem Echoes yesterday for about 2-3 hours, after that I watched a hilarious anime titled Konosuba and I just want to have something different on Sunday. I went to netflix and tried to find a movie to watch, and to my surprise, there was a documentary movie about Whitney Houston. I grew up listening her 80s songs and I think she was one of the most interesting public figure there because her tragic end.

Little that I knew Whitney Houston was probably, most likely,  A BISEXUAL. I wasn’t prepared for that. I read the news about her wrecked marriage few years ago and how her daughter passed away with drugs as well but I didn’t know she was rumored to be a bisexual person.

So I discovered that Whitney Houston was one of black musicians that were deemed as “whitewashed” by the black community because her music was not black enough and catering white audience too much. She was once booed during the Soul Train award because of this.

Okay that’s interesting I thought, I don’t expect black music vs white music are racialized in the united states as well! Is the effect of Black Power movement or what? That Black people must exhibit certain values to be “Black” and not “whitewashed”? Since this is not my domain and I don’t fully understand I’ll stop my commentary on black identity.

The most interesting part was when we were introduced about the presence of Robyn Crawford, she was known as Whitney’s best friend and alleged to have an affair with her. That’s when the documentary really got interesting. I just discovered the hidden depth of Whitney that I never heard before and I automatically can relate her situation with mine.

One memorable scene from the documentary when the narrator said Whitney was always concerned about her “look”. If one of the most beautiful black woman was insecure about her look, what about the other people from her ethnic group? 

To cut the story short: Robyn Crawford was a very important person in Whitney’s life, but she was not accepted as a family, and everything just got worse when Bobby Brown entered the scene. We all knew the couple had a turbulent, odd 15 years of marriage ended up in divorce in 2007. But that’s just part of the story, apparently Bobby provided her space of an acceptance where she could be “just herself” but at the same time he crippled her wings as their addictions mixed: Whitney was into recreational drugs and Bobby was into drinking. And when they met, the couple’s lifestyle became one of those cliched “(Black) artists who use drugs and drink”.

Robyn’s role in the couple life was very interesting. Bobby never liked Robyn because of her positive role and stabilizer on Whitney’s life. Bobby always wanted to be the center of Whitney’s attention, it made them into an archnemesis, and finally in 2000 Robyn left Whitney, and her drugs addictions started to destroy herself.

Whitney’s facilitator (I forgot what was her name) mentioned that at first Bobby was supportive of her rehabilitation, but as the rehab went on, he felt disturbed by the fact that Whitney could become “clean”. Somehow, Whitney chose a patriarchal partner that preferred to see his wife went into a path of self-destruction and didn’t want to see her shining.

After Whitney’s tragic death in 2012, Bobby Brown mentioned that had they accepted Robyn into their family, all of the tragedies probably could have been prevented. Biphobia killed her. 

By the end of the documentary, I over-identified myself with Whitney. I could see myself being in her position. Fortunately at the moment, I have this-gonna-be-girlfriend who accepts me for being a non-monogamous bisexual person, she provides me some space of comfort and is okay with me looking for a boyfriend.

When I look at this side of Whitney, I cannot help but to think: I don’t want to end up like Whitney. OK, maybe I am not going to use drugs, ever. My emotional shutdown is probably the “worst” problem that can occur given my nature obsession to control every aspects of my life and ensure my personal problem don’t destabilize “the reality”, but how long I can withstand?

Whitney Houston once said in an interview, she wanted to be remembered as a nice person. I am sure she is…

 

UN YPP

Today I got this message:

Dear Mr.

Congratulations! You are invited to take part in the 2017 Young
Professionals Programme (YPP) written examination in the Political, Peace,
Humanitarian and Human Rights Job Network (POLNET). The 2017 YPP POLNET
exam will be administered online on 19 October 2017.

Next week you will receive an email invitation to log into the United
Nations Online Examinations and Tests System in order to familiarise
yourself with the testing platform and check the technical aspects of your
connection. Please check your email and your spam folder for such
communications and let us know by replying to this email if you have not
received your invitation by the end of next week.

Due to the high volume of emails, please retain the subject line when
replying to this email.

For any information related to the exam, please visit the YPP Careers
Portal (http://careers.un.org/ypp).

We wish you success in the 2017 YPP POLNET examination.


My feeling? mixed. I am afraid to be excited because UN YPP is notoriously competitive. For last year alone, if I am not mistaken, there were 35,000 participants and only 4% will pass. After failed 2 times, this year is my last chance to participate anyway, so I want to give it all with zero expectation.

Sandplay therapy #2

Today I finally began my sandplay therapy. I entered this small room and two boxes filled of sand. The psychologist instructed me to pick any symbols from the shelves, and put them into the sandbox. If I want, make a story, otherwise, don’t bother.

There are no specific requirements what kind of symbols you want to take, because this therapy is intended to make you tell about your psyche with symbols.

I didn’t take a picture of my end result, but this is the rough picture of it:

  • on the center: a sleeping baby above a petal of lotus flower, above a coffin
  • circling the center, with the symbols look inside: a heterosexual married couple, a homosexual married couple, a spoon, a wine, a treasure box
  • circling above, with the symbols look outside: a head of buddha, a statue of ganesha, a scale, a grand piano, a shelf, a graduated guy, a bird in a cage, an hourglass
  • outside the the circle:
    • top right corner: a married couple above a head of skeleton, a woman in wedding dress look at the center, a married man look outside the box, a tank,
    • Top left corner: a box with a cross, a giant spider
    • middle left side: an angel with smile holding love
    • middle bottom left side: a clock, and a train
    • left bottom corner: a black chair
  • on the bottom right corner: an expansion of the circle, it contains a seed, a smiling dog, Budai, and a grandma sitting in a chair

The psychologist said I shouldn’t take a picture of my sandplay, I don’t need to remember everything. I don’t know whether it will work or not, but I am going to try.