So today I was reflecting my life, all of sudden. Well the problem is, I heard someone’s problem and it bounced back to me and made me thinking – do I behave like them? do I behave like a broken person?
If there is one thing I hate most, it is to appear weak and insecure.
Ok, I admit I am financially insecure, but I build this narrative on my mind that I don’t need be obsessed with money as long as I can control my impulses and manage my finance adequately.
Now weakness. Ah, that made me nostalgic about my youth. There was time when I was a boy, very extroverted (really?) and tried to find a place among society. Now I think my teenage days, from 12-15 years old was the most horrible period in my life and shaped my perspective, and my self perception for 12 years.
When I was a teen, everyone called me ‘sissy’, ‘effeminate’, ‘pretty boy’ due to mix of my nerdiness and fairly white skin. I am not sure when the names-calling began. Was it because of my nerdiness? or simply I was just ‘white’? I don’t remember, but I survived all those bullying however, all those names-calling really crushed my confidence as a man.
I perceived myself as “unattractive” to the opposite sex, thus I skipped dating for most of my life, until 2 years ago.
Does body image actually affect how you perceive yourself? I think it was 2013 when I started to look like an adult man.
Here’s my picture when I went to new zealand in 2013:
but then movember arrived and I suddenly thought, hey maybe I should grew some beard, and then BAM, suddenly I had this look
Everyone suddenly said I was hot with the new beard and look incredibly masculine. I decided to keep a scruff or beard as part of my face.
However, the experience of getting the masculine features when you perceived yourself being ‘feminine’ and ‘sissy’ all your life (apparently I have always been a nerd, but my friends couldn’t distinguish those two at that time), I suddenly feel I have a leverage when dating women.
However it took me two years before I started to date girls and eventually explored my bisexuality. And it’s very interesting, I am actually quite desirable among the homosexual/bisexual men! I feel like getting all privileges at one fell swoop.
My external appearance and all the compliments from my dates, family members, and friends twist my self perception and confidence very fast. From a shy guy who was insecure for rejection, I became an arrogant aloof who thought “I can date everyone if I want”.
Is it healthy or? or unhealthy? I don’t know. Even with all the newly found confidence, it didn’t stop me to behave erratically. If you read my older posts, you could read how my personality changed – from being the optimist to a realist in dating scene.
This was mostly reflected at my homosexual dating behavior. At first I chased certain people to fulfill my inner desire and fantasies but after a lot of failures, questionings and boring sex – I discovered myself – it was not my adult who was acting, but my inner, insecure 15 years old who tried to validate himself and seeking quick gratification.
Yes, there is a 15 years old boy trapped inside me, and he has been living in co-existence with my “real” age. My self perception from this year has always been shaped by this 15 years old boy.
Now please let me tell you about this boy.
He refused to grow up, but thankfully all this years, he is not stupid and quite rationale one. He has been eating a lot of books, and training his critical thinking so finally he decided to grow up.
At least he sees himself as a responsible adult man who only makes the right choice…
but then there is one thing he couldn’t let go. The desire to die and meeting her most beloved grandmother. He only experienced a motherly love from a person – his grandmother who was suddenly taken away in 2005, and every year, he must be reminded to be sad a week before his birthday. For him, life is actually a journey to a grave where by the end of the road he finally can meet his grandmother again.
But he’s not suicidal – he’s just being indifferent to life itself. While purpose of a person is to enjoy life and live to the fullest. His purpose of life is to maximize his talents in everything, and enjoying a journey to death. He thinks that if he suddenly passed away -just like what happened to his grandmother- he would be okay. At least he had a good life, and he has always embraced death since 2005.
At the same time, the adult version of himself wants to focus on progress, and focusing on the right thing. He is telling people he met, people who struggle on life, focus on progress, not the negative side – because he’s doing it too, and hoping that people too, can learn something by his existence.
But why he helped people? Why even bother?
It linked to his embrace to death – he wants to be remembered as a good person when he died. Is it hypocritical? Does one still have a right to help somebody else when he himself always see the end of the road?
Of course there is no answer for that question.
But then I told the man inside me, it’s okay to be flawed. Everyone is broken to certain degree. As long as we don’t hurt ourselves or others, that would be okay.