Why you should never fall in love or attached with foreign strangers

2017 has been one of the worst year of my life. In march, I lost $100 because pursuing this japanese girl who has been living in Singapore. But she didn’t return my feeling so I gave up. She also told me that at some point she wants return to Melbourne, that’s when I exactly knew she was not really interested on me because she probably wanted to settle down in Australia, not Singapore.

I have almost given up dating guys, but occassionally I tried to meet guys just to establish a human relation. Few months ago, I met this swiss man. He is a bit old, maybe around 44-49 (people lied about their age all the time) but since I actually like older men, so it was all good. We had an enjoyable one night stand but to my irritation, he, just like any other guys that I met keep saying “let’s keep in touch after this night” or “we will meet again”. Being a brutally honest person, I find those kind of white lies do more harms than good because it implies there is an opportunity that we will meet again. I told him, hey even if we would never met again, I would not forget about you. But he insisted that we would meet again someday. I don’t understand why people cling to this kind of false hope. Based on my experience, I almost never meet a stranger from far – foreign land twice unless they are suddenly relocated to nearby country / city.

Until the last few months, I kept clinging this false hope, thinking maybe someday I will meet all those random strangers again and I will have a happy ending. But nope, after I watched Dexter Season 2, I felt like my eyes were opened: how could I have been so foolish?

In case you haven’t watched Dexter, it’s a popular TV series about serial murder / anti hero Dexter Morgan who works as a blood analyst at Miami police department. Dexter has a little sister, Deborah Morgan whose love story become one of the subplots in the series. In the season 2, she dated her superior who was twice years her age – Frank Lundy.

At first I was like. UGH. so repulsing.

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But as the time goes on, I over-identified myself with Debra: someone who had a dysfunctional relations with a father, and somehow attracted to a person twice their age. When I was 29, I slept with 57 years old guy as my first sexual experience, also 49, and then 40, and when I was 30, I slept with a 52 years old man, and then when I was 31, someone around 44-49.

They were all enjoyable experience, although every time I did those, I contemplated myself – do I really enjoy this? Do I really want this? Is there a point of doing this? and then to extreme cases, I imagine myself if I marry someone who is twice my age, what are the consequences?

However, I see myself as Debra right on the last episode of second season. As Frank Lundy must leave Miami, Debra was compulsively wanted to leave Miami with him because she wants to be with him (Lundy didn’t want that to happen it seems). However, Debra called off the flight as she must do her job as a police. And there, she decided to keep her responsibilities instead of pursuing Lundy.

Many times I imagine myself, to escape from this life, and wondering, can I ditch my old life and go with this foreign stranger back to his country and restart my old life there? Unfortunately, life is not a Hollywood movie. It will be extremely dangerous if someone does this based on short-term compulsion desires alone. When we want to restart our life in somewhere else, we need a sponsor, clearly your foreign stranger will not want to sponsor you because they are just looking for one-night stand. And don’t forget you need to find jobs to support yourself, you sure you have an enough qualification to secure jobs?

All of that logic check helped me to block any emotional attachment to every foreign strangers I met. Yes, falling in love with a foreign stranger is dangerous. I will not recommend anyone to do this unless you have a privilege to travel and restart your life easily. If you can do it, do it. If you can’t, don’t! She/he may not be the right person for you, but the kind stranger that gave you a beautiful story to be remembered for the rest of your life.

 

Obama’s visit to Jakarta

On Saturday 1/7/17, I had an opportunity to attend Obama’s keynote speech during the 4th conference of Indonesian Diaspora. At first I was hopeless that I could attend the Obama’s session because the limit was for 3000 people, and there were 5,500 people already registered for the event! Fortunately, my friend who is a member of Indonesian diaspora in the United States send me a special invitation thus I could attend the keynote speech.

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Most of the news outlets discussed about his message on climate change, tolerance, sustainable development. You can read it everywhere, it received wide coverage from major publication such as Washington Post, The Hill, or Independent.

I was aware that Obama also called for tolerance to LGBT. However he said it very implicitly he only said that people should have a freedom to love whom they want to love.

But personally I found the most memorable part was when he discussed how he learned to become a leader. After he found a passion, he learned how to become a leader to achieve his goals. He said, after he became the president of the united states, some people from his childhood said he wanted to become a president when he was a child. He said it’s not true and actually laughed about how people exaggerate things. He didn’t even remember most of anything he said.

The ever-optimistic president also said to the young people to not to be afraid, and turn the fears into hope. The future may look bleak, but we must make fight to make our fear into hope. That part of speech was actually impressive because it really touched me personally.

And why is that?

I personally think 2017 is the worst year in my life. I have had at least those disasters this year:
1. I missed my flight to singapore and it costed me US$100. It happened to me on my birthday. My entire schedule was ruined, and I arrived at my cousin’s apartment around the next day, 12.30 AM. It was the worst birthday in my life. And the girl that I tried to woo didn’t return my feelings. Oh well, at least I met my old friends there.

2. I got bitten by my father’s dog by the end of March. For the first time ever I was soaked in a bath of blood. I could have died probably if he had snapped my neck.

3. My wallet was stolen a month ago, and my HSBC credit card was used by the thief. I lost $1000. It’s very upsetting because I didn’t know the local credit cards actually still allow signature instead of pin. I am still disputing this case and the result will be out on 14th of July. I am already prepared to lose, although I will dispute my case further to the regulator or visa even, just to ensure I can fight for my consumer’s right.

and as if to add an insult to the injury:

4. Ahok was jailed, Basuki Tjahaja Purnama aka Ahok was the first Chinese-Indonesian christian governor of Jakarta who is well known for his strong stance of anti corruption. However, he did a blunder by stating that quran does not forbid muslims to vote non-muslims. His political enemy tapped the issue and he lost the election. As if that’s not enough, he got jailed. When it was announced I feel my world was shattered. Every faith I had for Indonesia was crushed like a sand castle. That day was one of the worst day ever for many Chinese-Indonesians and ethnic minority. It also solidified my ambition to leave Indonesia for good. I am glad I joined my current company, since it’s an american company. There is a chance of being promoted overseas if I work hard enough.

While Obama said, democracy is not FREE and it is something we need to participate and to fight for, I am not sure whether this is possible in Indonesia. Look what happened to Ahok, someone from ethnic minority when he said the truth.

Last not least, he discussed about fake news – and encourage people not to visit news sources that only support our own opinion. I admit this will be worse from now on. Social media created an “echo chamber” where our opinion is amplified by other people’s opinion and it created a politically divisive society. At least in Indonesia, the society is divided between the moderate muslims, the hardline muslims, and the non-muslims.

Attending Obama’s keynote speech is one of the best thing that happened to me this year though. Despite all the disasters that happened in my life this year, I am glad I had an opportunity to attend a speech from one of the most inspirational figure of my life.

Bisexual Men/Women: Where are they?

I have been thinking a lot lately about being a bisexual man in my early 30s. While I already accept and conform my bisexual identity, I am always being treated with suspicion by the gay guys that I met here, are you sure you are not a closet gay? If you are watching straight porn, are you sure you are not turned on because of the guy?

Those accusations made me thinking, could it be the case? Am I turned on only because there is a guy on the screen? After browsing some straight and lesbian porn videos, I am confirmed it’s not the case. When I watch straight porn, I immediately relate/fantasize myself as the male performer. Lesbian porns are not really my thing though, because I am not sure how I should “put” myself into the video because both of the performers are women. But apparently I am excited when there is an oral scene performed on the clitoris. I think it’s quite sexy.

Anyway… a month ago, after 6 months of abstinence, I met this 40-something man on planetromeo. He’s a swiss national, had a short trip in Jakarta. We hooked up that night (basically just kissing and cuddling really because both of us don’t really like anal), but to my delight – he was a bisexual. I was very excited to hear his experience because I have never met an older bisexual man before, here in Jakarta. I heard his stories, that he was married with a Japanese woman once (no child though) and how he divorced his wife because of differences. I asked him, have you come out? He said, no, he preferred to stay in his closet, especially because he need to take care his sick mother. He also told me, these days, he only masturbated.

His story makes me sad, as it’s one the realistic expectation of how being a bisexual or staying closeted will probably isolate you from anyone from the rest of your life.

So why I keep thinking about this? Lately I have been hanging out with this straight girl , she asked me, why don’t we hang out together? Even if we don’t end up as a couple, at least we had good times. Since she’s cute and I thought this is a good opportunity to learn how to nurture a relationship, I agreed.

The problem begins when I am not confident enough whether I have acted “normal” enough as a man. during our hangouts, I never paid her anything because I don’t want to spend unnecessary spending to something that is still uncertain. Also, I don’t have a private car (the absolute necessity to conform your middle class status), thus most girls here probably think I am not wealthy enough to take care of them.

Most of the Chinese Indonesian girls expect the guy to have a car and pay the meals. But I don’t want to embrace those stereotypes because I simply cannot afford it. I have a mortgage to pay, and I just lost $1000 after my credit card was stolen early this month. The only consolation is the fact that my portfolio gained 17% this year, and by my birthday next year, I will have at least $6500 (RP. 87.500.000), which will help me to trade more in the stock market in the next few years.

But again and again, as someone without proper “fathering”. I don’t have a role figure of how should I act, behave, and live my life as a bisexual man. That swiss guy that I met a while ago was probably one of the rare example of how a bisexual person can live however sad his story is to the point that I am wondering, will I die alone by the end because I don’t know how to live my life? Where are the bisexual men/women out there whom I can ask to answer the unanswered questions of life?

 

 

It’s not a broken heart, it’s a disappointment of a failed social experiment

Five strikes already this year. Remember the girl that I met on quora and we met again on tinder? The one who said she’s okay with a bisexual? After the second “date” (we met and watched the guardians of the galaxy vol. 2), I texted her today, whether she wanted to watch Wonder Woman with me next week. She said no, and she’s close with somebody else.

I was like, oh damn. there goes my chance. She’s taken, there was a feeling of disappointment, but I was not sure whether she chooses someone else over me, or it’s just that I failed on my social experiment. I don’t even know whether I am sad or I am glad.

She’s the last person that I dated this year. For the rest of the year? I am not really sure. I had a feeling something like this was going to happen. Since January, I haven’t dated with any guys or girls, and somehow I wanted to try  my chance with this girl.

At least she’s being honest. And I told her what I felt too.

Yes, I told her, I told everyone whom I met, whom I dated, I don’t use my heart when interacting with people. My heart is either locked somewhere, or it has broken into million pieces, and I am essentially someone who is unable to love another human being. Well at least for now. The only person I ever loved was my grandmother. My family members? I am not sure whether it’s love, but I do care about them, but that’s just because it’s the right thing to do.

Honestly I have never had any passion to pursue a relationship. I started dating when I was 29 just because I thought I needed to have an experience. Well in the end, I returned to the first place where I began, except that I now have more realistic expectations.

But really, with so many things happened in Indonesia, living as a triple minority is no longer viable option. All I want is to leave Indonesia for good.

Somehow, I found this song last week, and it has been stuck in my head ever since. Perhaps universe prepares it for me?

Good night.

Finally, the slowest month in a year is over

Whoa, I just realized that I didn’t update this blog for a whole month. Well, to be fair, I was very antisocial last month. I just bought a PS4 and bought the game that I have been waiting for 9 years: Persona 5

I don’t need to explain this game anymore. Everyone’s talking about it. It’s the most important JRPG in the past decade. It’s practically one of the greatest jrpg ever made. The gameplay is amazing, the story is well written, the characters are relate-able, the design is fantastic. It has every formula that Final Fantasy XV can only dream of. I have spend about 106 hours for this game, and lost a whole month of social life. It’s worth it!

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Aside from that, this month marks the 1st year of my tenure at my current office. How time flies! I have to say this is the most enjoyable company that I have been working so far, I like my job function and the people are fantastic. I just hope they will increase my salary though.

3rd week of March: I am so tired

I finally survived the third week of march. This month has been getting too long, I swear this is probably the worst and longest month in a year. Perhaps because I am waiting something? Well, this July, I am going to move to my own apartment (co-share with my sister). I am fed up living with my parents. Although it’s perfectly fine in Asia to live with your parents until they pass away, I just feel it inhibits my personal growth. My mother treats me like a 8-years old kid (she wants a grandchild). My father keeps 4 dogs that making the house unnecessarily louder than it already is. My sister speaks loudly whenever she meets my mom, and they are really really overstimulating. Oh I haven’t mentioned the regular noise generated by the jetpump.

Honestly, the past 2 years, since my return from New Zealand has been one of the dullest chapter in my life. Fortunately my office life is actually a consolation. I have a very good coworkers and a very nice manager. I try to keep our relations are strictly professional, but looks like I need to break my principles one or two since I am going to hang around with them on the next few days. I actually don’t want to hang around with them after office hour, but I think it’s quite necessary just to ensure I am not “outsider” in the team. I notice that my manager actually wants to hang around with us too because he’s an expat, and he seems liking us, his minions too much. Proof? He bought three pack of expensive imported snacks for a total of $13 (two imported cheese doritos and one lorentz) just to spice up our my presentation (and another co-worker from our team) this afternoon. I know he’s richer than I am, and probably makes money than all of us combined, but to spend an expense of something for an hour-event was a bit overkill, don’t you think?

It’s almost 12, and saturday. Tomorrow I am visiting a dutch-indonesian friend from Boston. It has been a while since I met her. I will donate my dutch-indonesian literature books to her.

This month is my worst month ever

Sometime I want to cry because I am stupid. Again and again, I keep making stupid mistakes that cost me time (and money).

For example, on 3rd march I misread the departure time of my flight and I arrived at Soekarno Hatta late, and I missed my flight. I bought another ticket for $100, when I arrived in Singapore, I just realized I never asked my cousin’s apartment, and destination point to meet my friends. Only after I bought sim card at NEX, I finally could figure out where I was and where I should go. But I stupidly booked a taxi that costed me another $4.5 when the apartment was very close by. I arrived at my cousin’s apartment around 12, after a series of failures. My 31st birthday was the WORST day in my life, period. I am glad I didn’t receive any birthday greetings other than my aunt and uncle in netherlands from facebook. Everyone forgets your birthday as soon as you don’t mention it. Lesson learned? I am not IMPORTANT.

now, today I did another mistake. I went to a nearby hospital and checked my eyes so I could get prescriptions. Ideally, my medical insurance will cover it. But what happened? The insurance company rejected my claim, the customer service said it is not covered. I paid the expense myself ($21.5) despite the fact that my medical insurance pamphlet states that I am eligible for $9 coverage for checking eyes, once a year. How come I didn’t think that I should clarify this stuffs with the HRD first?

As I grow older, and I keep repeating mistakes that are actually preventable, I am starting to think why I did all those stupid mistakes? I always try to avoid making blunders or unnecessary mistakes like this that can make your life more miserable than it already is.

I always think to myself, I am learning. I will not repeat this mistake again.

But it happens anyway. So do I actually have learned something? or am I deluding myself that I am actually learning? Sometime I am not sure whether I am an arrogant person or a humble knowledge seeker.