My article was just published on The Diplomat

Take a look here!

https://anonym.to/?http://thediplomat.com/2018/06/lgbt-tourism-and-inclusion-in-southeast-asia-a-divided-future/

I haven’t updated my blog for a while since I want to return to writing on the media.

Call me by your name (2017): A beautiful unrealistic fairy tale.

So, recently, my Italian friend who shared a similar name with the character of this movie recommended me to watch this movie. At first I tried to read the book, but I couldn’t continue because the introduction was ridiculously slow. The first chapter basically filled with Elio’s fantasy of Oliver, and I feel like reading a chapter from twilight. I will continue reading the book sometime when I have the right mood, but at the moment, I want to write my thoughts about the movie itself.

Okay, let’s talk about the premise of the story. The story is about two (white) jewish guys who had a summer love story. Please let me grab a description from tvtropes:

Set in Northern Italy during the 1980s, Elio (Timothée Chalamet) is an average teenage boy expecting to spend another summer with an unknown American academic coming to study with his father, a professor (Michael Stuhlbarg). When their guest turns out to be Oliver (Armie Hammer), an attractive college graduate who shares his Jewish heritage, Elio finds himself falling for a man, and learns the attraction may be mutual.

To cut the story short, Elio and Oliver were basically attracted to each other, but they were quite oblivious with their feelings and finally they had sex, and then sex again, after that Oliver must return, and Elio received a news that Oliver would be engaged, and the movie ended he was watching a fireplace, brokenhearted.

The premise is very simple, no? About two bisexual men who had a good friendship and had a physical attraction and had a good time during their summer vacation. The story ended tragically because one of the guy must return and the dream ended there.

One thing noticeable from the start, the story is a very classic homoerotic relations rooted from pederasty and a typical sexual relations you can find in daddy and boy pornography. Obviously it’s erotic as Oliver has a typical “muscular”, “masculine”, “hair-chested” body, and contrasted with Elio’s “lean”, “slender” body.  The director is trying so hard to oversexualize their body: so many shirtless scenes in this movie shoving the audience to worship the actors’ well-sculpted body.

We are too sexy for shirts

Now, maybe because I have a different background, but I cannot really relate to this movie, because so many reasons:

1. All the casts are so privileged. Granted the place is in Italy. They supposed to be Jewish, but these days, I feel Ashkenazi Jews are no different than typical Europeans with white privilege too. Both Elio and Oliver come from a fantasy land where there is no problem with their racial issue. Ask non-white people about this movie, their perspective may be different. I just have a hard time to relate the characters’ in the movie because of their racial background.
2. Oliver looks so perfect. A dominating taller guy, killer smile, smoking hot body, sexually appealing, etc etc. and he likes Elio back, unconditionally. Try to find this unicorn in this real life. He’s every gay boy’s daddy fantasy (he’s supposed to be 24??).
3. It’s erotic because it’s taboo. The story’s homoeroticism relies heavily in the setting that it was in 1980s where homosexuality was not as tolerated as it is now. But if the story is happening in a contemporary situation, it may be less erotic than it is.
4. Most of us probably haven’t met a person as nice as Oliver. I don’t know about you, but I first came out as a bisexual man in 2015 after 12 years hiding in the closet. I missed an opportunity to explore my bisexuality during my study in New Zealand (fortunately or unfortunately). I first explored my bisexuality in Jakarta through gay dating app, and most people I met were assholes who ghosted me. I had my first sex experience during my trip in Europe, I met some people there, which gave me a mixed feelings: Should I cherish those memories or should I dump them? In Jakarta, I could count by fingers how many good people I met here, but mostly took you for granted. I feel Elio’s beautiful experience during his summer vacation is redundant as it’s unrealistic.
5. Embrace a broken heart? seriously? I had three guys broke my heart as they took me for granted, and this movie over-romanticize broken heart.
6. Straight-washing. Both of the actors are straight, not bisexual at all. Where’s the empowerment? Had I known the actors are straight, I probably would have watched this even more critically and with a more dosage of cynicism.
7. Cheesy. That title: call me by your name. So you call your loved one by calling your own… name? What the hell? Even my sister who enjoys romance thinks that idea is ridiculous and gimmicky at best.

Final verdict:

Call me by your name is a beautiful, unrealistic fairy tale which only happen to privileged people. The movie’s straight-washing is the biggest middle finger to the LGBT scene. You will love it, but don’t overrate it or think it as universal story between two bisexual men. At least we have some representation, but sheesh, cannot it be more inclusive?

What’s your judgement over this movie?

Is is a beginning of another depressing year?

In the past one month, my mood has been swinging greatly. Okay I am affected by the recent bitcoin crash, and my investment crashed to 60%, and my gain in the last year? it’s gone. Fantastic, I am back to my principal again. stupid me, but oh well, I know the risk.

However, it’s not about money that I makes me sad in the past one month. Indonesia has been the poster boy of anti-LGBT movements in the past few months. As the parliament is revising the penal code, it aims to criminalize the gay sex. Some politicians even say publicly, LGBT should be stoned to death, LGBT people should be killed, LGBT people should jailed for life. Is my home country turning into Daesh’ caliphate?

Tomorrow, I will visit my psychologist. I don’t know what should I say to her to be honest. My suicidal thoughts have been increasing lately and I just cannot tell it to anyone.

I actually have started to reading information on asylum seekers, but it seems almost impossible to seek an asylum as a bisexual since hey, I am still attracted to the opposite sex!

But hey, maybe I can just play along with their tune? Bisexuals are undecided and a closet gay right?

Sandplay therapy #4

Today I went for another session of my weekly sandplay therapy. To be honest, whenever I entered the room and put the symbols, there are nothing I do other than putting the symbols of what I think inside vs what I think outside. I was particularly exhausted this week because I just did United Nations YPP Exam (Polnet) for about 4 hours, and the psychologist told me that I looked pale. No surprise there actually!

Today I put symbols of money, what I like to do in my internal world (with a laughing buddha). And outside, again, I put mother and father figure (my parents) with a skull behind them.

To be honest at this stage, nothing was exceptional until the psychologist asked me about my dysfunctional family problem. I told her that my father is there but I cannot feel anything to him because my mom called him useless all the time. Money has always been the root of my family problem. My father was actually doing ok, it’s just that he wasn’t as ambitious as my mom as a breadwinner because my mom has a high standard of lifestyle while my father has not really added his wardrobe collection in the past 10-20 years.

I have told her that my grandmother was my mother figure. And who was my father figure? I have always thought -none. I don’t have any.  At least I did, until today.

As I recalled my childhood memory, I told the psychologist how I was left behind in Makassar for few years until I was 3 years old. So I didn’t live with my nuclear family until my mother came and picked me again until 3.

During this period I lived in my paternal grandfather’s house, and I lived with my first cousins as well. I didn’t realize how close we were attached with as I called their mom and dad as “mom” and “dad” as well. I never called them by honorifics, but just “mom” and “dad” (+nick name).

To be honest, I don’t really remember about my uncle, except that he gave me a very odd nostalgic and familiar feeling. When I stay at my cousin’s home, I feel as I should have always been there and growing up with them instead with my current biological family. I just don’t have any emotional feeling with my current parents because they have always been absent in my life, and our relationship is dysfunctional to mediocre at best.

My uncle passed away in 2009. He was 51 years old back then. He had a leukemia, he was very thin and blind. I met him last time in 2005 and I wished that I could have taken a photo with him one last time, but his condition was so frail, and I don’t think I want to remember him as the frail, sick old man after he passed away. Most of my memories remember him when he was healthy.

I didn’t really give a thought when he passed away in 2009. I was in denial. Just like when my grandmother passed away, I didn’t cry until I saw her grave. Because I didn’t meet him often, I had a cognitive dissonance, and couldn’t accept the reality that he was no longer with me.

As long as it’s not confirmed, I will think he’s still alive and maybe we will meet again.

In 2015, I visited Makassar, my hometown and for the first time, I visited his grave, and that’s when reality slapped me. I cried uncontrollably. Thinking how sad it was that I would never meet him again. I didn’t really know why I was sad, because look, I didn’t grow up with him. He gave me a nostalgic feeling and comfort, but that’s it.

Back to the sandplay therapy room. When I told my psychologist about this, I cried again all of sudden. I was like, what the hell? Why I was crying? Was he that important to me?

My psychologist nodded, and she told me, my uncle was that influential in shaping my father’s figure. Since my biological father has failed his fatherhood function, it seems I grew attached to my childhood memory, being taken care by my cousin’s family, and had my uncle as the father figure.

The psychologist asked me again. What kind of man you want to be? And then, I told her my uncle’s characteristics, basically the anti-thesis of my biological father. A man must not be emotional (cool headed), responsible of what he’s doing, and not blaming the others for his misdeed. And when he has a family, he must do his function as a husband and as a father.

To a certain degree I want to absorb all these ideals, but at the same time I am wondering if I could really do that, since after all, he’s a heterosexual man. But I told to myself, even if I ended up in a marriage with a woman, perhaps I could become “a heterosexual man” again, and embrace all of those values?

 

Did Biphobia Kill Whitney Houston?

If you are a bisexual and haven’t watched Can I be Me (2017) I suggest you to watch it.

This weekend, I was supposed to study for my upcoming UN YPP POLNET exam, but I am so demotivated given the enormous readings that I need to read.

I didn’t want to play video games either because I just played Deus Ex: Mankind Divided, Fire Emblem Echoes yesterday for about 2-3 hours, after that I watched a hilarious anime titled Konosuba and I just want to have something different on Sunday. I went to netflix and tried to find a movie to watch, and to my surprise, there was a documentary movie about Whitney Houston. I grew up listening her 80s songs and I think she was one of the most interesting public figure there because her tragic end.

Little that I knew Whitney Houston was probably, most likely,  A BISEXUAL. I wasn’t prepared for that. I read the news about her wrecked marriage few years ago and how her daughter passed away with drugs as well but I didn’t know she was rumored to be a bisexual person.

So I discovered that Whitney Houston was one of black musicians that were deemed as “whitewashed” by the black community because her music was not black enough and catering white audience too much. She was once booed during the Soul Train award because of this.

Okay that’s interesting I thought, I don’t expect black music vs white music are racialized in the united states as well! Is the effect of Black Power movement or what? That Black people must exhibit certain values to be “Black” and not “whitewashed”? Since this is not my domain and I don’t fully understand I’ll stop my commentary on black identity.

The most interesting part was when we were introduced about the presence of Robyn Crawford, she was known as Whitney’s best friend and alleged to have an affair with her. That’s when the documentary really got interesting. I just discovered the hidden depth of Whitney that I never heard before and I automatically can relate her situation with mine.

One memorable scene from the documentary when the narrator said Whitney was always concerned about her “look”. If one of the most beautiful black woman was insecure about her look, what about the other people from her ethnic group? 

To cut the story short: Robyn Crawford was a very important person in Whitney’s life, but she was not accepted as a family, and everything just got worse when Bobby Brown entered the scene. We all knew the couple had a turbulent, odd 15 years of marriage ended up in divorce in 2007. But that’s just part of the story, apparently Bobby provided her space of an acceptance where she could be “just herself” but at the same time he crippled her wings as their addictions mixed: Whitney was into recreational drugs and Bobby was into drinking. And when they met, the couple’s lifestyle became one of those cliched “(Black) artists who use drugs and drink”.

Robyn’s role in the couple life was very interesting. Bobby never liked Robyn because of her positive role and stabilizer on Whitney’s life. Bobby always wanted to be the center of Whitney’s attention, it made them into an archnemesis, and finally in 2000 Robyn left Whitney, and her drugs addictions started to destroy herself.

Whitney’s facilitator (I forgot what was her name) mentioned that at first Bobby was supportive of her rehabilitation, but as the rehab went on, he felt disturbed by the fact that Whitney could become “clean”. Somehow, Whitney chose a patriarchal partner that preferred to see his wife went into a path of self-destruction and didn’t want to see her shining.

After Whitney’s tragic death in 2012, Bobby Brown mentioned that had they accepted Robyn into their family, all of the tragedies probably could have been prevented. Biphobia killed her. 

By the end of the documentary, I over-identified myself with Whitney. I could see myself being in her position. Fortunately at the moment, I have this-gonna-be-girlfriend who accepts me for being a non-monogamous bisexual person, she provides me some space of comfort and is okay with me looking for a boyfriend.

When I look at this side of Whitney, I cannot help but to think: I don’t want to end up like Whitney. OK, maybe I am not going to use drugs, ever. My emotional shutdown is probably the “worst” problem that can occur given my nature obsession to control every aspects of my life and ensure my personal problem don’t destabilize “the reality”, but how long I can withstand?

Whitney Houston once said in an interview, she wanted to be remembered as a nice person. I am sure she is…

 

Being ghosted: no, it’s never easy

I thought I have learned. I was being ghosted, again.

Okay, maybe a quick update to my dating life. Currently I am “close” with a girl who is 6 years younger than me. She self-identifies herself as an ENFP, works as a graphic designer, and loves to dance. Totally a contrast to me, but somehow she has different perspectives of life and how to see people, and it’s quite interesting to have show the world from entirely different perspective. She’s a warm person, bubbly, funny, and we have similar hobbies (KDrama! Anime! Video games!). And she knows I am a bisexual too. The only part she doesn’t know yet, I am a non-monogamous person (I want to have a stable relationship with a man too). But since we haven’t declared as an exclusive partner, I will just keep the status quo going.

However, last week, she moved to Singapore and I am “single” again. Now, I don’t have any heterosexual date during weekends, and I am not sure if I want to date another girl at this rate, because I think I want to focus to nurture a relationship with her. If there is something I learn from everyone: never take someone for granted. This girl knows I am an introvert and an INTJ. She makes the first efforts to talk on messanger (I am too lazy to do that, and I schedule it). Once, she was upset because I didn’t talk to her a lot, and she thought I was angry. I told her, well I was too lazy to type. She quickly understood and I tried to message him once or twice everyday. I usually ended the conversation by saying “I want to take a nap”, “I want to play video game”, “I want to sleep”. Simply because she couldn’t stop talking on messanger. But hey, it’s ok, I don’t hate it.

Now on the homosexual dating life: I matched with two guys in the past three weeks. The first is a 32-years old dutch south african guy from Durban who is working as a biology teacher at a high school, we quickly got connected because we have some common background as he’s a dutch by ethnicity, speaking afrikaan and I am a Dutch indonesian who’s learning dutch. I was very cautious when matched with this guy. As you know, white guys have privilege to date anyone in Indonesia. In the gay dating scene, they are treated like a legendary pokemon.

Having learned the passive aggresive behaviour from gay guys in 30s and combined with whiteness, I shut down my emotion when approaching this guy and tried to act as rationally as possible. During the first few days, we had normal talk, we followed each other’s instagram, commenting each other post and saying hellos occasionally. A week after we met, I asked him whether he wanted to meet me or not, he said he might have time on Sunday two weeks ago.

On Saturday, I messaged him whether we still wanted to meet. And then, he never sent me a reply. He said he would be busy teaching at Podomoro university during that week. But my intuition told me: I would be ghosted by this guy. And boy I was right. When I had a farewell dinner with my heterosexual date, this guy sent me a message at 6 PM. he said sorry, blah blah blah, I probably hate him. bla bla blah.

Basically he asked me to meet again. I messaged him again around 10:30 PM and guess what? He didn’t text me back. He didn’t block me either, so I don’t understand. He was still following my instagram. After few days of ambiguity, whether I should block or keep him in my contact, I decided to block and unblock him from instagram to ensure we don’t follow each other’s account anymore, and deleted his phone number and message on my whatsapp. That’s when I felt a relief.

I told myself when meeting this guy, prepare being ghosted because he probably would have met someone else during the period when you couldn’t meet. And boy I was right! I thought it would be less hurting than the previous experience, it still hurt. It hurt because I didn’t listen to my conscience. But anyway, the only positive thing from meeting this guy is that I am being motivated to finish my duolingo dutch lesson. I am confident I will finish my dutch tree next month.

now the second guy was a Chinese-Indonesian guy, 47 years old. He’s a gym rat. Muscular, toned, but… short. he’s like 7 cm shorter than me and it was totally a turn off (I am 177 cm myself). Well I actually don’t mind dating shorter guys, but the biggest turn off is his personality. He’s like someone without any personality. He still lives with his parents by the age of 47 and lives a very mediocre life. He reminds me of my close friend who lives in his comfort zone. He paid the meal though, but haven’t contacted with each other since the last week lunch, so I think it’s safe to say we lack of mutual attraction.

On the bright side of not having dates is that I now have more time for myself. This saturday I am planning to ramp up my CV since I want to apply overseas jobs. While I work at the biggest PR firm in Indonesia, I feel like I won’t get any promotion to work overseas very soon, and most people at my office have not been transferred permanently since its inception. So no, since my goal is leaving Indonesia and settle down abroad, it’s a good opportunity to focus on my goals since the clock is ticking.

 

 

Why you should never fall in love or attached with foreign strangers

2017 has been one of the worst year of my life. In march, I lost $100 because pursuing this japanese girl who has been living in Singapore. But she didn’t return my feeling so I gave up. She also told me that at some point she wants return to Melbourne, that’s when I exactly knew she was not really interested on me because she probably wanted to settle down in Australia, not Singapore.

I have almost given up dating guys, but occassionally I tried to meet guys just to establish a human relation. Few months ago, I met this swiss man. He is a bit old, maybe around 44-49 (people lied about their age all the time) but since I actually like older men, so it was all good. We had an enjoyable one night stand but to my irritation, he, just like any other guys that I met keep saying “let’s keep in touch after this night” or “we will meet again”. Being a brutally honest person, I find those kind of white lies do more harms than good because it implies there is an opportunity that we will meet again. I told him, hey even if we would never met again, I would not forget about you. But he insisted that we would meet again someday. I don’t understand why people cling to this kind of false hope. Based on my experience, I almost never meet a stranger from far – foreign land twice unless they are suddenly relocated to nearby country / city.

Until the last few months, I kept clinging this false hope, thinking maybe someday I will meet all those random strangers again and I will have a happy ending. But nope, after I watched Dexter Season 2, I felt like my eyes were opened: how could I have been so foolish?

In case you haven’t watched Dexter, it’s a popular TV series about serial murder / anti hero Dexter Morgan who works as a blood analyst at Miami police department. Dexter has a little sister, Deborah Morgan whose love story become one of the subplots in the series. In the season 2, she dated her superior who was twice years her age – Frank Lundy.

At first I was like. UGH. so repulsing.

But as the time goes on, I over-identified myself with Debra: someone who had a dysfunctional relations with a father, and somehow attracted to a person twice their age. When I was 29, I slept with 57 years old guy as my first sexual experience, also 49, and then 40, and when I was 30, I slept with a 52 years old man, and then when I was 31, someone around 44-49.

They were all enjoyable experience, although every time I did those, I contemplated myself – do I really enjoy this? Do I really want this? Is there a point of doing this? and then to extreme cases, I imagine myself if I marry someone who is twice my age, what are the consequences?

However, I see myself as Debra right on the last episode of second season. As Frank Lundy must leave Miami, Debra was compulsively wanted to leave Miami with him because she wants to be with him (Lundy didn’t want that to happen it seems). However, Debra called off the flight as she must do her job as a police. And there, she decided to keep her responsibilities instead of pursuing Lundy.

Many times I imagine myself, to escape from this life, and wondering, can I ditch my old life and go with this foreign stranger back to his country and restart my old life there? Unfortunately, life is not a Hollywood movie. It will be extremely dangerous if someone does this based on short-term compulsion desires alone. When we want to restart our life in somewhere else, we need a sponsor, clearly your foreign stranger will not want to sponsor you because they are just looking for one-night stand. And don’t forget you need to find jobs to support yourself, you sure you have an enough qualification to secure jobs?

All of that logic check helped me to block any emotional attachment to every foreign strangers I met. Yes, falling in love with a foreign stranger is dangerous. I will not recommend anyone to do this unless you have a privilege to travel and restart your life easily. If you can do it, do it. If you can’t, don’t! She/he may not be the right person for you, but the kind stranger that gave you a beautiful story to be remembered for the rest of your life.

 

Bisexual Men/Women: Where are they?

I have been thinking a lot lately about being a bisexual man in my early 30s. While I already accept and conform my bisexual identity, I am always being treated with suspicion by the gay guys that I met here, are you sure you are not a closet gay? If you are watching straight porn, are you sure you are not turned on because of the guy?

Those accusations made me thinking, could it be the case? Am I turned on only because there is a guy on the screen? After browsing some straight and lesbian porn videos, I am confirmed it’s not the case. When I watch straight porn, I immediately relate/fantasize myself as the male performer. Lesbian porns are not really my thing though, because I am not sure how I should “put” myself into the video because both of the performers are women. But apparently I am excited when there is an oral scene performed on the clitoris. I think it’s quite sexy.

Anyway… a month ago, after 6 months of abstinence, I met this 40-something man on planetromeo. He’s a swiss national, had a short trip in Jakarta. We hooked up that night (basically just kissing and cuddling really because both of us don’t really like anal), but to my delight – he was a bisexual. I was very excited to hear his experience because I have never met an older bisexual man before, here in Jakarta. I heard his stories, that he was married with a Japanese woman once (no child though) and how he divorced his wife because of differences. I asked him, have you come out? He said, no, he preferred to stay in his closet, especially because he need to take care his sick mother. He also told me, these days, he only masturbated.

His story makes me sad, as it’s one the realistic expectation of how being a bisexual or staying closeted will probably isolate you from anyone from the rest of your life.

So why I keep thinking about this? Lately I have been hanging out with this straight girl , she asked me, why don’t we hang out together? Even if we don’t end up as a couple, at least we had good times. Since she’s cute and I thought this is a good opportunity to learn how to nurture a relationship, I agreed.

The problem begins when I am not confident enough whether I have acted “normal” enough as a man. during our hangouts, I never paid her anything because I don’t want to spend unnecessary spending to something that is still uncertain. Also, I don’t have a private car (the absolute necessity to conform your middle class status), thus most girls here probably think I am not wealthy enough to take care of them.

Most of the Chinese Indonesian girls expect the guy to have a car and pay the meals. But I don’t want to embrace those stereotypes because I simply cannot afford it. I have a mortgage to pay, and I just lost $1000 after my credit card was stolen early this month. The only consolation is the fact that my portfolio gained 17% this year, and by my birthday next year, I will have at least $6500 (RP. 87.500.000), which will help me to trade more in the stock market in the next few years.

But again and again, as someone without proper “fathering”. I don’t have a role figure of how should I act, behave, and live my life as a bisexual man. That swiss guy that I met a while ago was probably one of the rare example of how a bisexual person can live however sad his story is to the point that I am wondering, will I die alone by the end because I don’t know how to live my life? Where are the bisexual men/women out there whom I can ask to answer the unanswered questions of life?

 

 

It’s not a broken heart, it’s a disappointment of a failed social experiment

Five strikes already this year. Remember the girl that I met on quora and we met again on tinder? The one who said she’s okay with a bisexual? After the second “date” (we met and watched the guardians of the galaxy vol. 2), I texted her today, whether she wanted to watch Wonder Woman with me next week. She said no, and she’s close with somebody else.

I was like, oh damn. there goes my chance. She’s taken, there was a feeling of disappointment, but I was not sure whether she chooses someone else over me, or it’s just that I failed on my social experiment. I don’t even know whether I am sad or I am glad.

She’s the last person that I dated this year. For the rest of the year? I am not really sure. I had a feeling something like this was going to happen. Since January, I haven’t dated with any guys or girls, and somehow I wanted to try  my chance with this girl.

At least she’s being honest. And I told her what I felt too.

Yes, I told her, I told everyone whom I met, whom I dated, I don’t use my heart when interacting with people. My heart is either locked somewhere, or it has broken into million pieces, and I am essentially someone who is unable to love another human being. Well at least for now. The only person I ever loved was my grandmother. My family members? I am not sure whether it’s love, but I do care about them, but that’s just because it’s the right thing to do.

Honestly I have never had any passion to pursue a relationship. I started dating when I was 29 just because I thought I needed to have an experience. Well in the end, I returned to the first place where I began, except that I now have more realistic expectations.

But really, with so many things happened in Indonesia, living as a triple minority is no longer viable option. All I want is to leave Indonesia for good.

Somehow, I found this song last week, and it has been stuck in my head ever since. Perhaps universe prepares it for me?

‘

Good night.

Will I always be confused about my sexual orientation since I am a bisexual?

My resolution 2017: no more hookup, isolation for self-growth: failed, miserably. Already in this January, I already had a hookup encounters with two guys. One is a politician, and one is an education consultant. Well, both of them didn’t include anal, so I feel like it’s like two horny guys wanted to have a mutual masturbation (note: this is my first encounters after May 2016)

I also meet a very interesting guy. An indian guy who has a position as a fashion director at a local retail fashion chain. At first I prejudiced him as ‘effeminate’ since he’s working in fashion. But no, not really. I think all his gestures are ‘acceptably masculine’. He’s a bit artistic, but I have seen heterosexual musicians exhibited even more flair body language.

But again. and again. After I had those sexual encounters, I keep questioning myself. Is this really what I wanted?

I haven’t watched any homosexual porn for almost month – and hopefully forever. And I also haven’t watched heterosexual porns since, well, almost forever.

Do you know the reason I started watching homosexual porns? It was a tactic to make me “bored” with homosexual sex. I instructed myself 10 years ago, ok, I was aroused with homosexual sex, since I possibly could only marry a woman, and I may end up having sex with one woman for the rest of my life, I should have a foolproof plan that I won’t be bored with heterosexual sex by watched gay porns (almost) exclusively.

So what happened? you can say in the past 10 years, I watched gay porns  almost exclusively, and only few times watched heterosexual porns. I also kinda forced myself to limit heterosexual porn to japanese hentai stuffs, just to make myself avoid heterosexual porn.

Does it work? Well maybe it does. I am now bored with gay porns, and sex with men in general. I swear I have had hookup encounters, but the partner number is probably very very small compared to most people there.

I re-evaluate myself, and here are probably my problems:

• I could be attracted to guys sexually, because I think sex with guys is erotic. I mean, it’s taboo, so it’s sexy. However, as I encountered how realistic homosexual sex is, I am less and less interested with the gay porns because they are just unrealistic. And it’s no longer erotic because I finally see the truth
• Now, asian women. Indonesian women actually. Based on this study, only 5% of Indonesian women are sexually active. For guys, it’s 16%. But looking at the number, I received an insight that it’s harder to have sexual encounters with indonesian women.

mix those two elements, and I got a cognitive dissonance. Am I sexually stuck with guys as long as I live in Indonesia?

TBH, at this rate I am starting to see myself as a heterosexual man who committed MSM only because I cannot find a heterosexual sex encounter. But at the same time I don’t want to label myself as a heterosexual guy as well, since I am clearly sexually attracted to guys.

One confusing day for a bisexual.